Miss Sassy Boots. Esquire. (reformedestella) wrote in klutzychicks,
Miss Sassy Boots. Esquire.
reformedestella
klutzychicks

"Guys? Guys, I Bit It Too!"

Hello. I am Aimee. I was referred here by </a></a>writehere , whom I am not aquainted with, but whom seems to think that I fall into the category of a "klutzygirl", evidenced by the recent events illustrated in my livejournal. I can't say that I disagree with him. Im 19, an english major in college, and am, what I like to refer to as a "cataclysmic person".

My most recent physical travesty goes as follows, but WARNING: it contains a fair amount of profanity, not to mention the physical manifestations of my physical travesty's, aka, THE BOO BOO PICTURES!

I skateboarded with the boys, on my trusty skateboard, Virgin. I wore my white tennis skirt because that seemed like a good idea at the time. I zoomed. Zach and I helped Craig learn. We helped Craig zoom. Craig bit it, going down the hill, the bad bad god-fucking hill. The pavement ate his knee. It looked like chicken fat. I played naughty nurse. Zach played the incompetent assistant. It was great fun for everyone except for Craig who was freaking out because he got blood on his favorite shoes. Do not blow on cuts. Because, ow, that freaking hurts.

Then. Zach and Craig went inside. I did not. I wanted to see if I could do the hill. I wanted to kill the bad bad god-fucking hill. I rode down the bad bad god-fucking hill faster and faster and faster and faster and then oh my dear sweet lord nestle, I bailed out! I jumped off of Virgin! I landed. I skidded down the hill. The bad bad god-fucking hill, it ate my hands. It ate me knees. Not one but TWO hands. Not one but TWO knees. The skirt went flying up in the air and the whole entire universe saw my underwear and I came this close: [-------------] from knocking my face into the asphault. Bad. Bad. God. Fucking. Hill.

                         I.

                                   did.

                                                 not.

                                                                                                           cry.

I rode the board back to Zach and Craig's room. Half way there everything turned inexplicably yellow and I almost fainted dead away RIGHT in front of the delicious boys who were playing horseshoes. But I decided that would be too dramatic, it's just hamburger knees, that's all. Knocked on the door, "Guys?" I wimpered, "Guys, I bit it too," and oh, lord I had because my knees looked like hamburger. We went into the men's room, and it is so great when you get hurt because none of the rules apply, and suddenly I was half in and half out of the shower in my white mini skirt, with Craig and Zach cheering me on (though I'm fairly certain that they were cheering for the wet white mini-skirt than for my agony) as I did lamaze breathing to get through it.

What you should do if you hurt your goddamn knees, is you should go in the shower and yell and scream and breathe like this:

he he hooooooo. he he hooooooo. he he hoooooo. owwwwwwww SHIT! he he hoooo. he he hoooo.

The face you absolutely must make while doing your lamaze breathing:

                        

And then you should go back to your room, and make sure everyone see's how brave you are in your white mini skirt with the hamburger knees. And then you should call Campus Safety and positively MOAN so they get there post haste, post haste. Then, bearing the most humungo orange first aid kit EVER, he comes, fixes everything. You have huge impressive looking bandages on your knees. Then he leaves. Then you tell positively EVERYONE. Like Zach and Natasha.

Zach:
ReformedEstella: he said i was a "brave woman"
ReformedEstella: and i said "damn straight"
FundiforousRex: he was "looking up your skirt"
ReformedEstella: he was not
ReformedEstella: hmmm. he did happen to say "god i love my job" as he examined my legs at close proximity

But that hardly counts.

Natasha:
ReformedEstella: and plus while i was whimpering and he was applying pressure to my wounds, i wimpered something about how i got this totally bogus parking ticket and isn't that awful? and he voided it. YES.
ReformedEstella: yay for exploiting safety officers with my raw animal magnatism.
PuckerUp83: are you fucking kidding me?
PuckerUp83: YOU SUCK BALLS THROUGH A STRAW
ReformedEstella: saved myself 25 bucks!
ReformedEstella: plus he left me enough gauze and bandaids to catch the blood of 1000 menstruating camels.
PuckerUp83: sweet. good thing too-  I have about 500 menstruating camels in my room right now and they are prettttty wriled up

See? This is the best day EVER. Except for my hands hurt and I have bandaids all over them which are Veggie Tales. Worried Tomatoes and Worried Cucumbers.

The Carnage:

<---That is my hand which the asphalt gnawed on with vim and vigor, and the background is my lovely waffle-weave pajamas, they are so beautiful.

                      <--- close up.
                                               "Handburger", 
                                                               subtitle:
                                     "Did You Notice My Clever Play-On-Words?"

            
                                          "Profile of the Right Kneeburger Carnage"

"Click here if you are TOTALLY not faint of heart, because guys, this is some SERIOUS carnage, I should SO charge for this...."

A stunning shot of the kneeburgers, as bandaged by the friendly campus safety officer:

                                                             THE END.

Feel better Aimee and Craig, (and not Zach, you total wimp, you did not even TRY to go down the bad bad god-fucking hill.)

Me looking sufficiently pitiful:

I have to go over to the other dorm to be pitufull with Craig now. Becuase my gosh, we are just so pitfull, we could out-pitiful eleven orphaned puppy dogs, the ones with the waggily tales.

Now. Where the heck did I put my skateboard?

~Aimee

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 1 comment